End Game

The coherent days seem to be over.  Even mornings, when she was at her best are no longer good for conversation or getting paperwork done.  The Power of Attorney that we'd been working on will probably never be finished.

She still smiles when I arrive.  She calls me "Sweetheart" but never my name.  I don't think she remembers it anymore.  When I talk about Dad, she smiles, but I'm not sure she knows who or what I'm talking about.

Dad has been laid up with a broken leg since a week after all this started. and hasn't been able to leave the house, much less visit.  It's been nearly two months since she left the house in an ambulance.  At the time, she was very angry with Dad (the paranoia) so he abided by her wishes to not see him - then the fall and the broken leg and he couldn't.  

In that time, I gave him daily reports on how she was doing, including when the cognitive slide began.  I knew he'd want to see her at some point and I wanted him to be prepared, but I'm not sure you can actually prepare someone for a change of this magnitude.  She is not the same person she was when she left home, and she'd not the same person she was two weeks ago when she moved to the Memory Care place.  Her decline has been dramatic, alarming, and fast.

Last weekend, she was refusing to eat and her blood sugar dropped far too low.  She was in danger of seizures, coma, and further brain damage.  There was no coma, but I'm pretty sure there was brain damage and small seizures.  I thought maybe a stroke, but there doesn't look to be symptoms for that so I'm guessing seizures.  I have a little experience with that (my ex husband) and it is the most helpless feeling to see someone's brain misfiring like that.

The steady decline continued this past week, then last night the nurse from the facility called me.  Mom is refusing to eat again.  The only thing she'll eat is applesauce.  She agreed to a turkey sandwich, then refused it when it came.  I suggested taking the bread away and cutting up the turkey and cheese.  It won't help a lot with the blood sugar, but at least she's getting some protein.  She is convinced that she's allergic to bread.  The nurse asked me a few questions and I finally said to her that I thought Mom was trying to die.  She's in control of very little and I think refusing to eat is the one thing she can do to make that happen.  The nurse then suggested that it might be time to bring in hospice.

It was startling to hear out loud.  Not surprising, though - my own mind had already started wandering in that direction but the confirmation of my thoughts was helpful in clarifying exactly where we were now.  I agreed and hospice will be contacted first thing Monday to schedule an assessment. 

It's kind of a relief.  I feel bad saying this, but I really do think it's time to let Mom go.  She's in a lot of pain all the time.  Her mind is no longer functioning properly and she KNOWS it.  I imagine she's scared a lot of the time.  All of these are things I don't want for her.  I want her to be comfortable, reasonably happy, and to know that she is so very loved.  I want her to slip away without drama and without anxiety or pain.  Hospice can help make that happen.

I hung up with the nurse and started making phone calls.  The out-of-town brothers were with Dad when I called so I got a lot out of the way with the first call.  Then I called my brother in New York and told him that if he wanted to see Mom before she went, he should probably come in the next few days.  Then I called my local brothers and texted my son.  Everyone knows now.  The days are numbered.  Once everyone has seen her, I hope she realizes she is free to go and will.  The next few days are going to be hard.