Casualties

I had lunch with my dad the other day and we visited a bit.  The subject turned to British murder mysteries.  He's watching one now that's caught his interest as am I.  I can't remember what his was, but I've been watching "Unforgotten on Masterpiece" by way of PBS Passport.  They are on season five now, but I had never seen any of them, so have been bingeing.  Because season five (that's currently airing) features a completely different detective, I realized that something had happened to DCI Stuart in season 4.  What it was, I didn't know.  

She'd gone off on a medical leave at the end of the case in season 3.  In season 4, she had a boyfriend and was back on the job for 6 more months until she could hit her retirement.  Her father had dementia (early stages).  The case at hand didn't seem to be offering up any potential murderers to be coming after her, so what happened?

We left the discussion there, as I had to go take care of Mom for dinner and bedtime.  I got home late-ish, fed the cats, and fell into bed. 

The next day, I watched the 5th episode of the series - and her death wasn't at all what I'd expected.  No one came after her with a knife or a gun.  She was in her car, trying to reach her dad with no success.  She left him a message, then pulled out into traffic - where she was broadsided by a speeding car. 

Why?

The answer hits close to home.  For me.  For any other caregiver out there.  DCI Stuart was drained.  She was so tired, she couldn't sleep.  Her regular job was stressful enough, she had a new relationship and a rather thoughtless adult son, then the added pressure and distraction of caring for her father just piling on.  So she didn't always pay enough attention to the other things she needed to.  Things she probably paid attention to without thinking about it because they were normal daily parts of her life - like driving.

Or for me, like unloading the dishwasher and slicing my hand open with a knife because I didn't realize I was trying to sheathe it upside down.

Tonight, I went to a meeting at my mother's care home.  The Alzheimer's Project was giving a presentation.  Resources for talking to a parent's doctor, or getting respite care, hospice, and various other services for dealing with a dementia patient.  It was interesting and informative.  A lot of this ground was stuff that I'd already covered on my own and gotten pretty good at doing, but then he started talking about caregivers themselves.

Did you know that 23% of all caregivers die before the person they are caring for????

Shocking to hear, but I get it.  Boy, do I get it.  The other statistic that hit home was this: if you are a carer for someone with dementia, your chances of also having dementia go up dramatically.   The reason?  Lack of self-care.

I might be in trouble here.  Since mid-May when I became my mother's carer, my diet has gone to hell.  I am too tired to exercise.  I have a full-time job, so many days I start working at 6-6:30am so that if I have to stop at some point in the day to go deal with a Mom thing (appointments, feeding, visiting), I won't fall behind.  Some days I spend 10-12 hours at my desk.  I fall into bed exhausted, but I don't get enough sleep.  I've had to let go of somethings I enjoy in order to take care of the things I must.  My yard, my friends and my church have also become casualties along side me.

Things have to change for me or I might not survive Mom - or if I do, I could wind up just like her.  This is true of most caregivers - they are casualties of Alzheimer's just as much as the diagnosed patients.  And it's time to do something about that.