Am I Depressed?

I have always gotten through all the things I needed to get through.  Not one for drama, I put one foot in front of the other until I come out the other side.  

There are times I KNOW I've been depressed.  Dealing with an abusive husband and feeling stuck.  I wanted to die and tried a couple of times but failed.  Talk about a drastic way to escape a bad marriage!  Finally came out the other side and just said I was leaving and did.  I also has a small bout of depression when my son was born and again when my granddaughter (stepson's child) came to live with us - was prescribed medication that time, but didn't use it for long.  When my now-ex stepped off the deep end into alcoholism, I was depressed for a while.  Usually the realization that I was NOT stuck but only temporarily seeing no way to deal with the problem pulled me out of it.

Most of the time, I don't even recognize it until after it's done.  I move on and only when looking back at a particular time in my life do I realize, hey - I was depressed!

This time, I see it.  I look around at my usually neat and tidy little house and see the mess.  I put off working in the yard when it's been one of my favorite things to do.  Even though I'm watching my diet and working at losing weight, I've eaten THREE containers of swiss rolls in the last week.  None of these behaviors are my usual self.

It's been a hard time lately.  A bit of financial pressure helping my son.  My mother's rapid decline over the last two months.  My dad's broken leg and the necessity to be there for everyone because my brothers are working like crazy people and my schedule is the most flexible.  My little dog kept me company and was my sounding board - and then she got terribly sick and I had to put her to sleep.  I guess that was my final straw.  All the loss became too much and the dark hole pulled me in.  I've been telling myself that I'm tired, but really, I am depressed.

That ends today.  For me, seeing a way through and out has always been the way depression ends.  Calling hospice instead of having an endless downward spiral helped.  Having my brothers come in from out of town to visit Mom and Dad and give me a couple of days' break where I didn't have to go visit anyone helped.  Having one of them coming to stay at MY house is getting me off my duff and getting my house straightened out.  And my dad driving himself home from a doctor's appointment yesterday helped.  The load is lightening and I can see the end.  This lets me enjoy my mother's company during her final days.  It gets my house back in livable, breathable condition so it's once again my sanctuary instead of a place to go and drop my stuff and pass out exhausted.  Today is the first day of getting my life back.
 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Casualties

Image
I had lunch with my dad the other day and we visited a bit.  The subject turned to British murder mysteries.  He's watching one now that's caught his interest as am I.  I can't remember what his was, but I've been watching "Unforgotten on Masterpiece" by way of PBS Passport.  They are on season five now, but I had never seen any of them, so have been bingeing.  Because season five (that's currently airing) features a completely different detective, I realized that something had happened to DCI Stuart in season 4.  What it was, I didn't know.   She'd gone off on a medical leave at the end of the case in season 3.  In season 4, she had a boyfriend and was back on the job for 6 more months until she could hit her retirement.  Her father had dementia (early stages).  The case at hand didn't seem to be offering up any potential murderers to be coming after her, so what happened? We left the discussion there, as I had to go take care of M...
Read more

Ho-hum, ho-hum - TORNADO!

Image
  It's been pretty quiet and perhaps even boring around here lately.  I continue to take Mom to her weekly wound-care appointments.  Her toes are healing up nicely.  Her shin hurts and she wants a big puffy bandaid on it all the time.  It doesn't hurt anything, so like a toddler asking for a dinosaur bandaid, Mom gets her puffy bandage changed once a week.  She has dubbed her wound care doctor "Doctor Sweetie Pie", which tickles him no end.  She can't remember his real name, so Sweetie Pie it is. The home put on a Mother's Day luncheon that was pretty spiffy.  Dad and I came and lunched with her.  Nothing too fancy (but the appetizer was amazing).  I cut up Mom's chicken and salmon for her and she ate almost everything except the asparagus, which Dad helped with.   I did not go visit her on Mother's Day.  I figured that after all the brother visits, she'd be exhausted.  John and Mary went and facilitated video calls with A...
Read more

Midnight Calls

Image
  It's never a good thing when the phone rings at 12:30am. I'd tumbled into bed with my full compliment of cats around 11pm.  I was tired.  It had been my first day back at work after two weeks and there was a lot that needed to be done.  After a nine hour day, I had some spaghetti for dinner, watched a little telly, then went to bed. My phone buzzed at 12:27.  I looked at it and didn't recognize the number.  There are a few places around here that have phone numbers one off from mine, so I figured some drunk was probably trying to get a hold of Capital Hitch.  I put the phone back down.  A minute later, it buzzed again - same number.  Okay, this might be something, so I answered. It was Beverly at the home wanting to know which hospital we liked for Mom.  She was having symptoms of a heart attack and the EMS had already loaded her up.  I gave them the information and dragged myself out of bed, dressing in the same sweatpants and sh...
Read more