An Old Toddler

Mom has dementia.  A couple of months ago, she started acting out a lot.  She has mild aphasia that's gotten worse, and she remembers a lot of stuff, but the behavior has gotten more and more erratic.  She became paranoid, worrying that Dad was trying to undermine her, that he was going through her stuff (believe me, he does not want to even go in the box room or her office), that he was trying to "poison" her by feeding her all the wrong things.  "He knows I can't eat/drink that!" became a very common refrain.   Anything she doesn't want to consume, she's suddenly allergic to.

She's also been mismanaging her medications, so Dad tried to make sure she took stuff when she needed to and she tried to bite him.  He called me in tears, and I came, got her to take her medication and told Dad I thought it was time for her to go to a home. 

The next day, he found a place.  I took her to look at it and on the ride home she said she thought she was a snob.  A lot of the residents were a lot worse off than she was and I think she was telling me she didn't want to go there.  The next day, she promised Dad that she would "be good" and cooperate with him.  I warned him that that promise was only as good as the moment she made it, and in two weeks they were right back where they started.  At that point, Mom had had a couple of falls in quick succession and another UTI.  She was crying and shaking and couldn't tell Dad what was wrong, so the EMTs were called and they hauled her off to the ER.  From the ER, she went to the hospital and spent a few days there. 

In the meantime, Dad and I were looking for a place for her to go when she got out.  We found her an amazing place, with a sunny, large private room and bath, lots of hand holds.  We furnish it, but they do her laundry and linens.  Restaurant-style food service, so she eats with other people and orders off a menu so she can have what she likes.  Her room is reserved and waiting for her to get there.

From the hospital, she went to rehab because she's really very weak now.  They do physical therapy, occupational therapy and speech therapy (she's having trouble swallowing) almost every day.  And she IS getting stronger.  And weirder.

She's stopped taking all supplements.  She won't put anything on her skin that isn't "pure".  Vasoline only for her rashes.  Water Wipes only for cleaning her up.  No soap - water-only sponge baths.  Highly suspicious of every pill they give her.  She's only taking what has been actually prescribed for her now, plus prilosec for her acid and an anti-depressant (very mild) which has helped with her cooperation a bit.  Brushes her teeth only with coconut oil. 

She hates the food.  It's too dry, too spicy, to... something - and she sends almost all of it back.  Dad sends her ginger snaps and chocolate.  I bring her hard-boiled eggs, saltines and applesauce.  She's been not eating the eggs the last few days.  When I talk to her about eating, she says it's too hard.  Small bites, a sip of water and she has to wait 10 minutes between bites (not sure this is absolutely true, but with her difficulty swallowing, it could be). 

And she says odd things that I KNOW aren't true, like she's going to be stuck in rehab until December.  I'm her health surrogate, so I know that one is bullshit.  

 

And yet, there are days when she's absolutely clear.  She remembers things further into the day than she has been.  She's been a serious sundowner - good in the morning, then about lunchtime things seem to start fading.  By dinner she'd downright cantankerous.  I try to make sure I'm there at dinner time to see that she eats something, is clean and dry and in her bed when I leave.  She refuses to use her CPAP, but will use the oxygen.  I talked to her about the possible consequences of not using the CPAP and she's okay with that.  Yesterday she told me she was tired of life.  I think she's ready to go, but doesn't really have anything happening that will kill her.  So I let her run her own show to the extent possible.  I think it's easier all the way around for her and for us.

The home will come and re-evaluate her next week.  If she's strong enough to help transfer herself from toilet to chair or chair to bed, she'll be ready to go to her new place.  If not, she's stuck in rehab a bit longer.  She knows she's not going home again and that's fine by her.